As you can probably tell by my blog post last week, I haven’t had the best of luck when it comes to my dating history. Today, I’m going to be telling you about a very bad first date that I went on about two years ago. I just want to quickly give a disclaimer. First of all, the guy in this story is probably a nice guy, just not the right guy for me. In fact, last time I seen anything about him he was in a relationship that he was quite happy in, so power to him! Second of all, there are going to be many points I’m sure in this story where you may roll your eyes and think I’m a dumby that put herself in situations that could’ve ended badly and, trust me I know, you’re right. But, let’s just focus on the fact that I’m fine, I’ve grown since then, and I came out of it with, what I hope, is an entertaining story.
Like I said, this story takes place about two years ago. I had just been screwed over by another guy I was talking too and was looking for a way to “bounce back”. So, of course, I turned to Tinder. I ended up matching with a guy who wasn’t typically my type. You see, I usually go for the emotionally unavailable, hard exterior, douchebag type, but this guy seemed kind of like a big, nerdy teddy bear. We started talking and he pretty quickly asked if we could hangout. Due to my troubled dating past, I try to nurse the conversation portion of a new “relationship” for as long as possible before actually meeting them. So, I asked if we could talk for a bit longer before meeting and, to my surprise, he agreed.
This guy seemed pretty great over text. He seemed sweet, witty, relaxed and seemed like an “open book” type of guy. A little over a week later, he asked me out yet again to dinner. I decided to face my fears and agreed to the date. We picked a day, picked a time, and he picked a restaurant. Things were all good to go and, before I knew it, the day of our date arrived. I knew I was going to spend a lot of time dolling myself up, so I gave myself plenty of time to ensure I wouldn’t be making us late. Even though I spent forever on my hair and makeup, I ended up having some time left over to anxiously await his arrival since he insisted on picking me up.
Once he got to my house I hopped in his car, we introduced ourselves, and we were on our way. Now, I get extremely anxious when there are awkward silences, so I tend to blurt out whatever is on my mind when they occur. It was agonizingly quite as we left my neighborhood, and I knew he had worked a night shift the night before, so I asked him how work went last night. I was immediately met with a stern, “I don’t want to talk about work.” Well…okay then. Pretty much from that point on, things started to go downhill. The rest of the ride was pretty quiet, the only thing I can really remember him talking about was how he almost got lost looking for my house. It felt like an eternity to get to the restaurant, even though it was technically only a short 10 minute drive from my house but, we finally arrived.
We walk in to the restaurant and it is way fancier than I had anticipated. The funny thing is, I actually worked right across the street from it…like I could literally look out the window and see the spot I parked in every day. The waiter sits us down and asks if we want sparkling water or still. Um, Sir, I’m fine with tap. He also brings us over one bun each, some butter and some oil to dip our bread in.
Now, I’m no picky eater by any means, but there are things I obviously know I don’t like, one of those things being bread dipped in some funky looking olive oil. Give me some bread and butter and I’m happier than a pig in mud. Well, this guy didn’t think butter was suitable enough so he kept nagging me to dip my bread in the oil. The thing is… I only had one bun and I didn’t want to waste it on something I knew I wouldn’t like. After countless times of me saying “no thanks” or “I’m fine” I finally caved and dipped it in the oil and, guess what, IT WAS GROSS. Now, I’m annoyed, and even though this issue was so minimal I just knew things weren’t going to be looking up on this date. And, guess what, I was right.
Throughout the rest of dinner I was just not vibing with this guy. We didn’t seem to have a lot in common, he didn’t really seem interested in knowing anything about me and my life, and the way he talked about himself was very cocky, which I find very unattractive. Since I knew that this was going to be my one and only date with this guy, I had already planned the speech in my head about paying for my own bill just in case he insisted on paying. But of course, without asking, the waiter sets one single bill down on our table and walks away.
My stomach sinks and I start frantically telling my date that we need to ask for two separate bills. He keeps assuring me its fine, he’s got it, and that I can just pay for dessert. Wait…dessert? Where is this dessert coming from? I agreed to dinner and I barely managed to get through that. I asked what he meant and he said that he thought, to make the date a little longer, we could go somewhere for dessert. Now, I hate confrontation and I hate letting people down, so I agreed to dessert very reluctantly. But, I was at least happy that I could pay for it and feel less guilty about him paying for my meal.
On the way to dessert, the conversation starts to get really weird. I’m not going to go into details, because the conversation was quite personal on his end, but it was just very odd topics of conversation for a first date. Also on our way to dessert, this guy kept listing off a bunch of things that he wanted us to do AFTER dessert. Again, I hate confrontation and didn’t want to say no, but I also didn’t want to spend much more time with this guy. I tried giving hints as politely as possible that maybe dessert should be the end to this outing…but he was not getting it.
When we got to the place we decided on for dessert, we headed inside and glanced at the menu while we waited in line. As we’re about to head up to the counter to order, he taps me on the shoulder and says, “You said you got this right? You know, to make up for dinner?” I literally didn’t even know what to say…like what does that even mean? I offered to pay for myself? I gave him a quick, “Yeah…I got it…” and we proceeded to order.
All the suggestions he had made about things to do after grabbing dessert involved being outdoors and THANK GOD when we stepped outside it had started pouring down rain. Finally this weird date could end…or so I thought. He proceeds to make the decision for both of us that we can just take a drive and wait out the rain and, of course, my anxious ass doesn’t just put my foot down and say no. He ends up driving us to a park and we sat in his car and chatted. For the most part, this was tolerable. However, the second it stopped raining he suggested that we go for a walk on the park trail.
This was the first time I actually tried to say no. I was in boots that were not appropriate for a nature walk and it was incredibly humid outside from the rain so I knew my makeup was going to melt off and my hair was going to pull a Monica from FRIENDS when they went on a tropical vacation. Unfortunately, just like the bread situation from earlier, this guy kept bugging me and bugging me to go on this walk. So, of course, I caved. BUT, I did make up the excuse that I had to pee really bad so we had to make this short.
We start walking down the trail and, again, this guy starts talking about personal things that are very odd for a first date, especially now that we’re walking essentially in the woods all alone, like how he used to have major anger management problems when he was younger. I honestly didn’t know what to do, I was so miserable and uncomfortable, so I decided to stop on a little bridge over a little stream and look at the baby ducks that were swimming by to hopefully restore some sort of joy in my attitude. Well, that was quickly ruined. He comes up beside me as I’m admiring these cute little ducks and proceeds to tell me that he read an article once that said that ducks are narcoleptic and like to have sex with the corpses of other dead ducks. I know, charming right?! I couldn’t even think of a response, I think I just said, “Well…alright…” and walked away.
We walk a little farther and reach a crossroads on the trail. There was a community center a couple of kilometers in one direction and something else a couple of kilometers in the other direction. I promptly told him that we needed to turn around because I really had to pee, to which he responded we should keep walking and that there are probably bathrooms at the community center. Like, dude, TAKE THE HINT! I WANT THIS DATE TO END! Thankfully, I stuck to my guns and got us heading back towards the car so we could drive to the nearest Timmy’s for me to use the restroom.
We pull in to a Tim Hortons and I run to the bathroom. Finally, some solitude from this disaster of a first date. I honestly laughed as soon as I looked in the bathroom mirror because my hair resembled that of a poodle who just received an awful blowout. To make the day even better, I go to the bathroom and realize that I had gotten my period while on this lovely night out. I just sat there, by myself, and chuckled because I thought things literally couldn’t get any worse. But, of course, things did get worse.
You see, I had put up my disastrous hair before I left the bathroom, and when I got out of the bathroom and said we were good to go, my date kind of gave me a weird look. As we were walking out to his car, he turns to me and says, “You look really different with your hair up…” To say I wanted to give this guy a knuckle sandwich straight to the face at this point would be an understatement. We get in his car and this man LITERALLY says to me, “So, where to next?” I’m not exaggerating people, this date had been going on for 5 HOURS at this point. I looked at him and simply said “home”. He was confused, but I just told him I had to get home to help my dad check in to his flight that he had the following morning. Thankfully, he didn’t ask questions and we started heading towards my house.
Now, I can’t see why this guy would’ve possibly wanted to kiss me after a date like this, but the whole car ride home I wanted to vomit from nerves because I did NOT want to kiss this guy but I also didn’t know how I would reject his potential kiss in a polite way. We pulled into my driveway and I tried to make a quick goodbye. But of course, Prince Charming had to open his mouth and say something along the lines of maybe he’ll see me again or maybe he’ll just ghost me? I believe he was joking, because he chuckled, but because getting ghosted triggers me to no end I just started going on a weird tangent about how that wouldn’t be surprising because I get ghosted by every guy I seem to talk to so it would basically keep my streak going. That shut him up pretty quick, and I ran inside the house as quickly as I could.
The next day, he texted me asking if he would be seeing me again. Because I have no back bone, I basically danced around the subject and was trying to allude to the fact I would be “really busy” the next few weeks. This next part is my favourite part. He then tells me that we’re going to have to go out again so I can make up for dinner, because the dessert I paid for didn’t come close to the bill we had at dinner. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! I couldn’t. I responded back something along the lines of, “I don’t believe I owe you anything, I offered to pay for my own meal, but if you insist on it I’d be more than happy to e-transfer you for my portion.” He said he was kidding, I never responded, and thankfully that was the last time I ever spoke to him. And that, my friends, was the day ducks were ruined for me, and the worst date I have EVER been on.
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